Whyne (10/20/08 Monday)

If this is good for me, why am I so angry? Why do I sleep worse than ever? Why do I dread seeing Julie? Because I'm not satisfied. There is no resolution. Did she really think I could be satisfied with being a "great guy," with being allowed to "hang out" with her, with getting to "know" her only at work? What should I expect? What am I due? What does she owe me? Nothing, on all counts. Yet I can't accept it. Why? My emotional investment? I can't step back. I can't find my life. Nothing is mine anymore. Every action, word and thought is given to Julie--all to no more effect than what feels like madness. I want to run away. But I won't. I can't. I can't do this to myself. And I can't not. Every day I want to call in sick. Every day at work I go crazy. Should it have been easy accepting her verdict? Should I have been able to flick that switch off and shut the door? How could those illogical words she spoke that Saturday help me do that and walk away? But would logic have helped?