Now with Moebius Loop-de-Loops! (10/26/08 Sunday)

There is a new resolve, a fairer and more final resolve, not a cry-wolf resolve. Not a cute, passive, ironically hopeful resolve.

Julie will get her books back. Julie will not be grilled at the desk. The books will have no cards in them. There will be a letter of sorts, a long statement, actually, at the bottom of the "pretty gift bag". The tone of this statement will be unenmotional but not passive; not accusatory or defensive; respectful, not hopeful. Resigned? No, but not expectant. Questions, but no obligation to answer. The basket will be placed on her doorstep and I will turn my back and walk away, if with great reluctance and with a monumental force of will suppressing my urge to turn around. My statement will be that force, so it must be strong and complete, as strong as Julie's fortress, only not a defense. I will not push an agenda nor ever after do so. There will be no pity, for either of us, only respect.

But (here we go again), what do I hope to accomplish? I want to give Julie the basket and let her do whatever she likes with it; relieve the stress for her on the desk wondering how I'll embarrass her next. What will it do for me?--that is, that no other strategy has done for me. Can I really expect it to help me place some emotional distance between us a work? Or, rather, since she's achieved that already--indeed, never had to--can I hope to work with her without anxiety, look at her without longing, hear her voice without the knife in my gut? It's a giant order, even if I say eveything I need to say the way I want to say it and ask all the questions it's fair to ask, because Julie, I'm fairly certain, will not respond--to me. I will dangle. What will knowing she's read this letter do for--or to--me? Leave me suspended in hope, likely; not at all satisfied with having cleanly expressed myself. Here come the expectations!

I felt good when I began writing today. The roller coaster rides are getting faster.