Another day without a word to Julie, another day of studious avoidance of contact with her, another day of yearning for her presence. She seemed almost somber. I won't (yet) flatter myself that it's my fault. I wanted to ask her how she was doing, but I didn't feel we were there yet, where one is allowed to show a sincere compassion toward the other, and Julie doesn't seem to be one who easily gets close to someone or allows others close to her. Regardless of the impact I'm having on her feelings, I'm being a jerk. And I know a jerk when I see one. It takes one to know one. I reached that moment of self-amusement today, but it was yet more evanescent than yesterday, and was followed immediately by a plunge into an icy dark premonition of endless repetition, doomed to push this rock up the hill every damned day.
Stacey was somewhat more receptive today, as I was little bit more assertive, if awkward in expression. I feel some slight relief--when I'm not feeling guilty for being a jerk. I caught Julie's gaze a few times; I can't easily describe what I saw in her deeply blue eyes. Was there expectation, hope, hurt confusion? It haunts me. All I've given her this week is a couple of stiff grins, which doubtless reflected my own stupid social inadequacies and total muddle of emotions. What am I doing?
^A moment of clarity, and a day of utter torment still burning my soul. The stiff grin is still all I can manage most of the time.
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