SAG (7/15/08 Tuesday)^

An angry, angry day. Five hours of sleep is a good starting point for one of those, but that was not the entire problem. I don't know what I dreamt, but by the time I woke I had all but confirmed that Julie had no feelings for me, so--poof! Sullen Aloof Guy--emphasis on the Sullen. I was contentious with patrons, in a low-level, snobbish way, looking for a fight. The result, to my surprise, was submission. I guess a jerk who knows his job is an authority to listen to. I grudged everyone a smile today, except Julie, though I essentially ignored her when I could. It felt good to be angry, though, as if it focused me, on what I don't know. I wanted a fight, a catharsis, but by four o'clock I hadn't gotten either one and was angrier than ever. All day I was daring people to ask me what's wrong, but my anger seemed to distance me even from people with whom I normally converse. Mike didn't speak to me at all during our hour together on the front desk, and Bethany only ventured to ask if I needed time at our shared workroom desk. I responded only with a shake of my head.

What am I angry about? My ineffectuality? The frustration of all this happening in the last place I can allow it to? I'm thrashing to get out of these binds, but they just get tighter. If I were less sensitive I'd tell Julie how I feel about her and suffer the consequences, good or bad. But how could I do that as who I am?

^"Suffer the consequences"--and suffer, and suffer.... (Oct. 21, 2009)