It Couldn't Be That Hump on My Back, Could It? (10/01/08 Wednesday)

The questions don't stop, and the answers don't come. Of course, the most persistent is still, What ruled me out? My left-handedness? Not always covering my mouth when I sneeze? Glasses? Height? What? It isn't the most most important question, though it starts that muscle in my upper right shoulder tightening.

Is there any degree of artlessness to her behavior? And, if so, what degree of calculation is there? If there is artlessness to any degree, I believe it was cultivated by an intense practice of its converse: Practice made perfect, a kind of psychological muscle memory. It's something we all do, anyway; some of us must do it to a greater extent than others. I think of Julie's seeming obliviousness to my feelings toward her all this time, and I can't simply write it off as naivete. She's seeing what she wants to see, and she has an acutely atuned defense mechanism that can block anything from her consciousness with deft efficiency. Perhaps it seems a cruel attribution, and I admit a lingering bitterness has likely accelerated my logic to that extreme, but it's simply speculation, a gurgitation of possibilities. What else do I have to go on when I haven't keys to the castle?

But the bitterness is a factor. It blocks my compassion, the key to understanding any person, and isn't understanding Julie what I set out to do on this second go-round? It's only my intellect that isn't satisfied with what Julie told me Saturday. My heart understands that it wasn't a personal attack--only my pride thinks that. My heart knows Julie is only trying to protect herself. What part of me is it that wants to know why? I feel a sadness for her, but I don't want to pity her. I can't deny that I hope to gain by this endeavor, but I also know that her affection is, by a significant margin, the lesser of the gains I hope to make. I want to know Julie.

Am I being realistic? What's realistic in this case? The result and the possibility of attainment? Then realisticness isn't even a consideration yet, because though of course I want to succeed, I'm not pursuing success. This is not a hunt; there is no prey I want to kill.