Friday at work was torture without Julie--almost as bad as if she'd been there. I took on the aloof-tortured-teenager pose for most of the day, breaking free now and then briefly to laugh at myself. I imagined someone having a crush on me and me not noticing it, then wondered why I might not notice. I concluded that it was one or both of two things: either I wouldn't expect anyone to have a crush on me, or I'd feel no attraction toward that person. So, is Julie clueless, or is there just no attraction to me? If there were any attraction, then knowing how I feel about her would make a positive difference. But how do I know without telling her? I have a choice of suicides: The long, slow one I'm putting myself through keeping this secret, or Russian Roulette, where I pull the trigger and pray a flower comes out of the barrel instead of a bullet.
I told Bethany outright yesterday that I had a "big crush" on someone, but I left it at that, and she didn't bite. I'm convinced that I just have to let on to more people (that I trust) if this ball is to get rolling. I would love for Julie to find out without me knowing she's found out; though for that to happen I'd have to leak it to someone I didn't trust not to pass it into the "wrong" ears; but the person I would normally confide in is someone with whom I have a rapport; i.e., someone I trust. Hmm. This is becoming something of a life's work, isn't?
*Original Comment(s)
Lonesome Loser said...
I'm wondering why your friends aren't following up on who your crush is? Seems that would be juicy gossip between friends. Sorry they are not more attuned to you...
^As usual, I was dead-on with why Julie wouldn't notice I had a crush on her: She didn't feel it for me. And, as usual, I chose to ignore the intuition that didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. At this point, was the "leak" I thought I was orchestrating moot?
I told Bethany outright yesterday that I had a "big crush" on someone, but I left it at that, and she didn't bite. I'm convinced that I just have to let on to more people (that I trust) if this ball is to get rolling. I would love for Julie to find out without me knowing she's found out; though for that to happen I'd have to leak it to someone I didn't trust not to pass it into the "wrong" ears; but the person I would normally confide in is someone with whom I have a rapport; i.e., someone I trust. Hmm. This is becoming something of a life's work, isn't?
*Original Comment(s)
Lonesome Loser said...
I'm wondering why your friends aren't following up on who your crush is? Seems that would be juicy gossip between friends. Sorry they are not more attuned to you...
^As usual, I was dead-on with why Julie wouldn't notice I had a crush on her: She didn't feel it for me. And, as usual, I chose to ignore the intuition that didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. At this point, was the "leak" I thought I was orchestrating moot?
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