Sunday

And If the Answer Is "Yes"? (11/17/08 Monday)

If I'm to get a grip on my bitterness, I have to address my "accusations." Accusations and fault-finding are often projections. Julie is no different than myself in seeking extroverts to talk with. Who do I seek out? Stacey, Hinckley, Tammy--extroverts. I've known all along that I had to understand Julie compassionately, but that was a projection, as well: I'm looking for the compassion for myself. If I can't hate someone else, how can I hate myself? I'm judging people by standards by which I judge myself. How can I know those standards apply to anyone else? What makes me think my standards are universal? or even valid? What do I know of myself that I haven't judged to be stupid, worthless, or invalid, already? And how valid could the judgements possibly have been? But I don't know where this is leading--not that that in itself is reason for doubt; I just haven't been down this road and don't want to double back from a dead end. This has always been about me. Julie has just been the catalyst. It's certainly not easy to admit, if it's true. What would that mean? What other horrible and necessary revelations await me? I'm not ready to admit that, if only because I can't yet reason it to be true. But, so what? What validation am I obligated to give to an utterance such as that? It came from a place of natural knowledge, a chance but inevitable and eventual bonding of formerly disparate and contextless ideas. Isn't it time I let that happen all the time? Have I just defined "revelation"? Have I just put a lie to what I thought were my feelings for Julie?

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