Sunday

And I'm Left Holding It (8/22/08 Friday)

I have considerably scaled back my hopes for Julie, if not entirely conceded defeat. I’m not on her radar, and couldn’t be. And here I am with a bag of Cadfael.

I decided first to just be friendly. It’s where a good relationship starts, anyway, right? Last night we spent the last hour on the desk. I didn’t ask her anything or make any personal observations aimed at eliciting conversation. It was an experiment in a way, and a resolve. Julie’s not averse to starting a conversation, except, I’ve noticed, with introverts. Put Tyger or Ahmed, Tammy or Becky in front of her, and she’s not unlikely to be the first to speak. She had nothing to say to me that hour, but when we left work she chatted up Tyger from her car as he geared up for his motorcycle. Angry tension wells in me now, my jaw clenching, muscles bunching in my neck. I’m sick with jealously and self-hatred.

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